Q: What is one thing every JMU parent should understand?
Marcy: I think that JMU is just a very unique and special place. It's such a welcoming environment and encourages students to become themselves and comfortable with the uniqueness of who they are. And when you walk around campus, you can sense that the students are happy and they're thriving.
Q: What makes JMU’s approach to family engagement distinctive?
Dave: I think JMU is very unique in that it seeks to actively engage families while at the same time encouraging student independence. Engaging families is so important that JMU has an Office of Family Engagement headed up by our friend, Tracey Kite. And the communication that her group puts out is excellent. If a parent or guardian has a question, I would encourage them to contact Tracey's group. They are more than willing to help.
Q: Why is family engagement important to student success?
Marcy: I think because we're a team. Rarely is student success achieved by the university alone. I think JMU realizes the more informed and engaged families are, the better they will be equipped to encourage and support their students. So I think knowing that we're not alone, we're not isolated, we're kind of in this as a community.
Q: How has the role of parenting changed in higher education?
Dave: I remember when [my parents] actually dropped me off my freshman year at Garber Hall. And then it was, "OK, son, see you at Thanksgiving." And I grew up in a very loving family. Nowadays, I think parents expect greater communication with the student and the university. There seems to be a higher need of emotional support. And with how expensive college is, there's more interest in the outcomes now.
Q: What does healthy parenting look like during the college years?
Marcy: I feel healthy parenting involvement is taking the role of a coach or a counselor to your child. This is the stage where we need to stop worrying and trying to control everything. I think as a loving parent, it can be really hard to see them make mistakes. But sometimes it's more loving … to let them fail and figure things out on their own. This is the time where they need to learn to be independent and follow through on their own.
Q: If you disconnect and you're letting them become independent, when's the right time to jump in?
Marcy: If only there were an easy formula! But I think for the most part at this stage, it's waiting for your child to come to you. Waiting for that phone call, because when they call you, that's when they're ready and open to listen to your advice. You can offer unsolicited advice, but usually when you do that, they don't listen. So, it's when they come to you, and even then, not stepping in and solving the problem. It's helping them think through how to solve it. Asking lots of questions, getting them thinking, brainstorming solutions, but then letting them take control of their own destiny and being an advocate for themselves.
Q: What should parents worry about less?
Dave: Grades. Grades are important, but it's the soft skills — or the power skills, as President Jim likes to say — that may be even more important here moving forward.
Q: What are some common mistakes families make during the first year?
Dave: It's when their role doesn't change from parent-child to parent-coach-mentor. Your Duke needs a friend, a coach, and an encourager. You need to be their biggest cheerleader. So, stay engaged by asking questions, how they're doing, highs and lows for the day or the week, and not if they did their homework, did they go to class, or if they did their laundry this semester.
Q: It's kind of a balance that you have to strike of keeping that meaningful relationship, being encouraging, but also cultivating independence. How did you do that with your three girls?
Marcy: I think encouraging more than nagging and remembering that we're their coach. We're trying to help transition them to adulthood and to a career. So if they would call, I would listen, find a couple good things to encourage them, but then try to gently point them back to the reason why they're at school: work hard, do your best, make good decisions, glad you're having fun.
Q: Did your approach change from your youngest to your oldest?
Marcy: Well, each child is very different. So I think each time you have to adjust how you parent. You know, where one child definitely needed to be pushed to work harder, another one may take that as we're putting pressure on her, and another may just not like being told what to do. Overall, we've learned to listen, to be flexible and adaptable, to ask questions. And I think over the years we've learned too that there are creative ways to solve the problems. And JMU has a lot of resources to help figure things out to get them through those hard times or difficult situations.
Q: I don't know if any of your three girls went through a setback or a real challenge, and you don't have to get into details, but how did you help them at that point?
Marcy: Yeah, I think as the mom, I've gotten all the calls home crying. And I think just taking time. I remember having to step away from my office and finding a quiet place to just listen. Again, listening more than I speak. I say the saying that ‘God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we would listen twice as more than we speak’. Like truly listening, giving our full attention. And then just, again, pointing them to try to figure it out on their own and reminding them of the good things that they have. I always say gratitude diffuses attitude. So we try to find things to be thankful for — the positive things — and knowing that through the struggle, they would grow much deeper and stronger in their character and developing perseverance through a hard situation.
Q: How does the Parents Council help the university?
Dave: We do serve as an advisor group, providing JMU with insights from a parent-family perspective. We try to help JMU better understand the needs, concerns and questions of families with the hope of providing a sense of belonging and connection. Having parents be part of the JMU family and serving on the Parents Council has been a great way to bond with other parents while learning more about JMU and hearing about ways that we can support JMU with our time, talents and treasures.
Q: How can families become involved with JMU?
Marcy: I think being involved on campus … just coming to football games and basketball and other sporting events and being part of the culture. The culture is to open doors, be friendly, smile, greet people, say hello. That definitely is the campus culture. So do those things as well. JMU puts out a great newsletter, and so reading the newsletter to stay informed because the better informed that you are, the better you can help your child to be informed. I think a lot of times the students don't know what all that JMU has to offer. So being informed yourself will help you to be better equipped to support your child.
Q: Do you have any wishes for the new parents at JMU as they're dropping off their students?
Dave: Just enjoy the entire experience. Love your children more, worry less and have fun!
Marcy: It's a special season when your children transition into adulthood. It's where they transition to being a friend and you can enjoy their company as adults co-living together.
Here's wishing all JMU students and families a fulfilling and successful school year!
Additional move-in information for JMU Parents is available here:
Few people understand that journey better than Dave (’91) and Marcy (’91) Kozlowski, co-chairs of the JMU Parents Council. The couple met as students during their first year on campus at JMU and later raised a family deeply connected to the university. Their youngest daughter is entering her senior year at JMU, and their other two daughters graduated in 2018 and 2021.
