Home for the Holidays

The semester is coming to an end and it is likely you are looking forward to the holiday break. For a lot of students, breaks are a great opportunity to get away from the demands of college and catch up with friends and family from home. If you believe the holiday commercials, everyone will greet each other with open arms and sit smiling around a fireplace with steaming cups of hot chocolate. In reality, the longer you are away from home, the more likely it is some things have changed. If there was conflict before you left, there is a potential for that to reemerge. Even if things were great before you left, the changes that have happened since you left could lead to new, unexpected conflicts. Without realistic expectations and good communication, holiday breaks can create stress, which is the opposite of their intended purpose.  

You may want to get away from the stress of college but find stress at home. You might be feeling exhausted from all of the work you put into the semester and are looking forward to catching up on your sleep. You may have to work stressful hours to make money. Your family may expect you to help out around the house, do things with them, and even adhere to old curfews. You may want to stay out late and reconnect with your old friends but reconnecting with friends from home may feel a bit off. They may have gone off to college too and you have both changed in different ways. Or, they may have stayed home and think you have changed a lot. It still may be a great visit, but there is often something bittersweet about realizing each time you go home, it feels more and more different than you remember it. Even if everything goes well, it can be hard switching from your fast-paced college schedule to relaxing. If you find yourself with a bunch of free time and nothing scheduled, you may feel bored and frustrated.  

Living the last few months on your own can making adjusting to your parent’s house and rules challenging. Your new found independence may clash with family expectations and dynamics. You see yourself as an independent adult and they see you as who you were before you left. You’ve become more self-reliant, independent, and have new interests and knowledge. They may have made changes without you, found new interests, moved things around, or even got rid of your bedroom. You may slip and mention something about when you return "home" to college but they think you are already home.

Whether you are a pro at navigating breaks or this is your first time home after leaving for college, keep the following things in mind to make sure that the visit home is relaxing and fun for everyone.

• Your parents may not be aware of the ways you have changed, matured, and grown more independent since you left for college. They remember you the way you were when you left that semester. They may expect you to act the same, ask for things the same, obey the same rules, and keep the same schedule. Avoid unexpected conflict and discrepant expectations by talking to them about what break will look like. Start a conversation about what you want break to look like together and what expectations and preferences are for there from both sides. Try to do this before either of you make a lot of plans without checking in with each other.  
• Make a plan for break. Don’t hope it works out on its own. Talk with your family about your plans for the visit as soon as possible. Be flexible and include family, friends, and personal time in those plans. That way you don’t exclude your family and they are less likely to attempt to plan your break for you. This is especially important if you are part of a divorced or blended family. You can’t be in two places at once and without a conversation, everyone will not be on the same page.
• Be aware that your parents and siblings have settled into new patterns or routines without you. You coming back changes their lives as well. Be aware that the way you act around your roommate and peers at school may not the same way to act around siblings and parents. Be respectful and show them that you have grown. Also, siblings who stayed at home have changed since you left. If you want people to respect the ways that you have changed, pay attention to how they are different, too.
• Try to respect your parents' preferences. You will not have the same amount of freedom or privacy that you do at college. Some things that you do at school are not acceptable to them. They may have rules and preferences about who sleeps over, where they sleep, if and how much you drink, or how long you stay out at night. Talk to them about new house rules that accommodate their concerns and your independence. It took you a while to grow into the person you are since you left, and it will take time for them to adjust to the new you.
• If there was stress and conflict at home before you left, spending a lot of time with family, especially during family gatherings can result in those conflicts returning. If there were challenging family dynamics and frequent arguments before, plan ahead for how you would like to navigate those situations. Demonstrate your new knowledge and skills by not falling back into old patterns. Plan activities and events that can minimize your exposure to previous challenges.
• Be prepared to answer a lot of questions. What is your major? What are you going to do for a career? What about after college? Are you seeing someone? Relatives have likely missed out on a lot and those topics are easy conversation starters. If you want to take more control of the situation, offer up the information you want to share before they ask. It might seem like they are being nosey, but they are likely interested in how you are doing and want to reconnect. If you want to change the focus of the conversation, ask them similar questions about how they have been doing since you last saw them.
• Consider the fact that it may be hard on your parents to accept the fact that you are not a child anymore. They may be facing the significant challenge of letting go and adjusting to not having you in their life in the same way as before. Try to see the situation from their perspective (a little empathy can go a long way) and express to them your understanding of their struggle.
• You may find it difficult to equally divide your time between family and friends who all want to see you. Decide what takes priority before you go home, and try to stick to those boundaries. This will help reduce stress and over-commitment and assure that the time you spend with others is quality time.
• Overall, remember to take time out for yourself and to reward yourself for all the hard work you put in this semester!